Hurting people can be found all over the world, speaking all languages. Their problems can range from infidelity to suicide attempts, and everything in between. A new service has been added to our evangelistic website (www.conciencia.net) and will soon be included in our broadcasts to directly address these serious problems and offer Christ-centered solutions.

Charles has encouraged our Spanish Internet audience to take advantage of the anonymity of the web by telling us something that has been weighing on their consciences, and authorizing him to tell their stories anonymously in future broadcasts offering Biblically-based answers to the issues that were raised.

More than 500 anonymous cases were submitted during the first two weeks! We already knew that there are people that suffer day after day who are drowning in a sea of despair, but we hadn’t anticipated that so many of them would beg us for immediate answers to their cries for help.

To meet the need, we decided to post one case along with Biblically-based counsel each week. Charles’ wife, the other Linda (who has a Master’s degree in counseling) was chosen to write each response.

The English translation of each case will be available here each week. A new case will be posted each Wednesday and will correspond with the case posted at conciencia.net. Please pray for these desperate people who are searching for answers! Pray for their immediate need, but more importantly, pray that God will speak to their hearts so that they may come to know Him in a personal way.
 
Case of the Week

Hello! Thank you for accepting my case.

I need help in how to discipline my son who is seventeen years old. He is loving when he wants to be, but most of the time he is very rebellious. He doesn’t do what I ask or tell him to do. When I don’t go along with what He wants, he breaks things and uses bad language. But within ten minutes or so, he has already forgotten how offensive he was, and asks me to do him favors as if nothing happened.

I would like to know how to get him to understand that I love him and that it hurts me when he treats me this way. Thank you.


Dear Friend,

The ages between sixteen and twenty-one can be extremely difficult for parents and their teenagers. It is a time when the children have to learn to become independent of their parents and to survive without their parents. Many times the process goes too fast for the parents to handle, but not fast enough for the children. Parents have to be incredibly wise in how to give as much freedom as possible in choices, while at the same time, provide guidelines and structure that will help their children mature.

As long as a child lives in his parents’ house, he should have reasonable rules and household duties. At the same time, he should be given increasing freedom and choice. He should be able to decide whether to spend money on several items of clothing, or put all the money together for one special item that all his friends have. He should be able to decide what time to go to sleep, as long as he gets ready on time for school the next day. He should handle his own school issues, as long as his grades are acceptable and he is not truant. Parents must find as many ways as possible to give choices, while remaining firm on things like a reasonable curfew and obeying house rules.

You will be happier if you make a decision to not get your feelings hurt when your son is rebellious or when he treats you badly. Yes, you should discipline him for those actions. But when we let our feelings get involved, it allows our children to take advantage of our weakness. Even though our children do love us, they will by nature do whatever they think will help them get their own way. If they can wear us down or cause us to give up in frustration, they will do it. When your son was two years old and he threw fits, it didn’t hurt your feelings. This is exactly the same, and if you can remember that, it will keep him from taking advantage of you.

We recommend that you find a support group of other mothers with children this age. Your children’s school is a good place to find other mothers like you who have these same concerns. When you see that you are not the only one who has these problems, it can help you be prepared for the moments of crisis.

We also encourage you to find a church where there are people who have strong personal relationships with God. They may be able to offer you some support during the difficult times.

In the same way that your son doesn’t obey you but then comes to ask favors of you, we human beings tend to treat God, our Heavenly Parent, the exact same way. He has given us rules to follow, but we often choose to break them. Then, even while we are breaking His rules, we ask him favors. “God, give me a better job.” “God, fix my marriage.” “God, please, I need help!” We ask favors of God without even caring if we hurt His feelings, without even thanking Him for all that He has already done. We expect Him to give and give and give and never ask anything in return. Sounds like your son, doesn’t it?

Now then, the love you have for your son is like the love God has for each one of us. He loves us so much that He extends us His mercy even when we least deserve it, yet remains strong by allowing us to suffer the consequences of having broken the rules. If you determine to follow His example, you will succeed in disciplining your son in love.

Stay strong!

Charles and Linda

Case 18

My life had always been peaceful, as I dedicated myself to my work and to my studies. Nevertheless, in 2001 a colleague invited me to visit a casino with him. Since I had never been in a casino with slot machines before..., he suggested that I just put a coin into a slot, so I did, and by the second coin I won the grand prize.... That was enough to get me hooked on gambling.

I have lost absolutely everything that I worked so hard to get, including my house, and now I am in deep debt that has brought serious problems to my life. It is so bad that I have yet to measure all the consequences, and I am overtaken with shame to think that my four children now don’t even have enough to eat.

I have stopped gambling, and now reflect on the great harm it has done to me, though maybe too late. But I’m trying to get back on track. I say that I’m trying, because with my wages I can only manage to pay debts, pay the rent and buy food. The many times that I come up short I have a guilty conscience, and I take refuge in praying and asking God to forgive me. I beg for a job that will help my family get ahead.

Please give me some advice. I need help! I really need to find God.


Dear Friend,

How wonderful that you have already been able to stop gambling! We congratulate you. However, since gambling is like most other bad habits, we suggest that you get involved in a support group where other people are also resisting this temptation and recovering from this addiction. Those people will also support you in all your efforts to put your life back together.

Your story gives evidence as to why it is extremely dangerous to gamble. Some people believe that it is entertaining to gamble small amounts, but they don’t realize that it is like playing with fire. It is impossible to know who will get addicted and cause great harm to themselves and those they love. We encourage you to share your story with others, both privately and publicly, so that something good will have come out of your great loss.

People who get addicted to destructive habits and substances dig themselves into a deep hole. There is no magic formula to get out of that hole. There is no easy way to get out. They must just admit that they need help and climb higher each day, working hard and never giving up. It sounds like this is what you are doing. Keep it up and don’t get discouraged.

You say that you have a guilty conscience for what you have done to your family. And you say that you have asked God to forgive you. Many people who feel guilty beg God to forgive them and promise Him that they will do better in the future. So why do they still have a guilty conscience? You answered that question yourself when you said, “I really need to find God.”

Finding God is very different from shouting out to him from far away. Finding Him involves a personal contact in which you get to know Him and you come to realize that He already knows you. Many people shout out to God when they need something, when they’re hurt, or when they feel guilty. But they don’t really have plans to get to know Him or to have a relationship with Him. John the apostle makes it clear that we can claim to be friends of God, but unless we actually develop a personal relationship with Him, it’s not true. And it is in the context of that personal relationship that God will gladly forgive us and take away the guilt. 1

So, yes, ask for His forgiveness. But then read the Bible to see what He says back to you. Find a church where there is good Bible teaching so you can learn more about what He wants from you. As you reach out to Him in sincerity, not just because you need something, He will walk beside you and help you as you are digging out of the hole. He will give you strength and hope for the future.

We wish you well,

Charles and Linda
____________________
1 1Jo 1:6‑9

Case 17

It happened at the coffee shop, where I work. One day I was there alone when two teenagers came in. When they left, one of them got distracted and forgot to take his wallet with him. I saw the wallet, grabbed it quickly, and put it under a table, acting as if nothing had happened. I had thought that there would be very little money in it, but was surprised to find a lot of money, which made me consider returning it. From the documents in the wallet, I learned that the guy was from another country.

Some time later they came back, looking for the wallet, but I told them that they hadn’t left it there. When no one was looking, I threw the wallet into the trash. All that I took out of it was the money. I know that what I did was wrong, and I am very sorry, but I couldn’t resist the temptation. I’m not sure how much I hurt the guy, but I am sorry and I am asking God to forgive me and give me strength to not make one more error.


Dear Friend,

It is good that you are sorry for what you did. However, “sorry” is just a word. It is a word that can be used as a kind of excuse, or as a way to try and make things right without much effort. And the word “sorry” really is not worth anything if you do not deeply regret your actions, such that if the same situation were to occur again, you would not hesitate to do what is right.

The story you tell has some interesting details that give us insight into your thinking. You say that you considered returning the wallet when you found there was a lot of money in it. Do you believe that stealing valuable things is more wrong than stealing less‑valuable things? Is it OK to steal one hour’s wages, but not OK to steal twenty hours’ wages? Who gets to decide when it becomes wrong to steal? The Eighth Commandment doesn’t say, “Don’t steal anything worth more than five dollars.” Instead, it commands that we should not steal anything at all, ever. 1 Whether you steal a strawberry or a diamond ring, you still break the commandment, and breaking the commandment is sin.

You say that you had time to think about it while the teenagers were gone from the shop. You had time to regret what you had done. You had another chance to make it right. But instead, you didn’t regret it or change it. When they came back, you lied. That’s breaking the Ninth Commandment. 2

You found that the guy had documents in his wallet that showed he was from another country, but you threw all but the money in the trash. Even having kept the money, you had the option of contacting the guy and giving his documents back. Or you could have mailed the documents back to him. But you obviously didn’t care about how much trouble he would have replacing them. Nor did you care if he had been saving the money for a long time with a special purpose. You didn’t think of his needs; you only thought of yourself. You wanted what he had, and didn’t care how he would be hurt. That’s breaking the Tenth Commandment. 3

You broke three commandments at one time, one after the other. Because you wanted what someone else had, you did whatever you had to do —steal— in order to get it. Then stealing led to lying. One sin led to another. That’s the way sin is. It always leads you, step by step, down the wrong path. So what can be done now?

It depends on whether you are truly sorry. If you are, then you can ask for God’s forgiveness, and He will forgive you. But that’s not enough this time. You must show that you are truly sorry by changing your actions. You must give back everything that you have ever stolen. You may not be able in each case to give back to the person you actually stole from, but you can give to others who are less fortunate than you are. The Apostle Paul’s advice to those who have stolen from others is that they work hard so they can give to those in need. 4 If you have a home to live in and food to eat, then you can give to others who are homeless or hungry.

You must also find a trustworthy person to tell about your temptations. If you know that the person is going to keep you accountable for your actions, you are not likely to steal again. Keep in close contact with this person as long as you continue to be tempted to steal. If you have access to a professional counselor, we would recommend that you take advantage of those services.

Can you imagine how you would feel if you were the guy who left his wallet in your shop? How would you feel if you were the homeless person? We recommend that you make an effort to put yourself in others’ shoes to experience life from outside your own perspective.

Telling us your story has been a good first step. We hope you will now take the next steps that we have suggested, not only to clear your conscience but also to make things right with God and others.

Sincerely,

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 Exo 20:15
2 Exo 20:16
3 Exo 20:17
4 Eph 4:28

Case 16

Day after day, I suffer in silence with the agony of a forbidden love. I don’t know what to do. My love is real, and I have never felt a love so intense as what I feel for him. But I know that there is a great woman who doesn’t deserve to be hurt.

I have tried to put an end to this love, but I can’t. I need help. I love him, but I cannot be happy at the expense of another person’s suffering.

Every day I ask God for strength to leave him, even though it causes me great pain. Should I do that?


Dear Friend,

We are so glad that you have shared your problem with us! Many people in your situation would follow their feelings and not stop to consider the consequences. But you have told us that you are thinking of the woman who would be hurt. We congratulate you for that! You are able to think of someone other than yourself, even though it hurts you to do so. You say that you know that you would not be able to be happy if it meant hurting her. We wish that more people in the world would care so much about others.

We don’t know much about you except that you are smart enough to think things through. You care about others and you have a good conscience. That’s a great place to start and it puts you far ahead of many other people.

Now let’s consider your feelings. Feelings come from emotions. Emotions are not good or bad. Some people are said to be more emotional, either because their feelings are more intense or because they more frequently base their decisions on their feelings rather than on logic. Some even claim that they can’t control their emotions, and then use their emotions as an excuse to get what they want, no matter who they hurt along the way. Many people make horrible decisions based on their emotions and then they complain because their lives are in a mess.

Emotions alone are not sufficient to make ANY decision. History is replete with examples of people who have suffered the consequences of decisions based on emotions alone. King David of Israel had a son named Amnon. Amnon was so in love with his half‑sister, Tamar, that he could not wait the length of time it would have taken to get permission to marry her. Instead, he raped her. But once he had done that, his love instantly turned into intense hatred. “In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her.” 1 This is a perfect example of how emotions are fickle and cannot be trusted. If love can turn into hate in an instant, then how could anyone ever base their decisions on it?

How many couples might there be who were once deeply in love, but now they can’t stand to be in the same room together? Their immense love has turned to hate. The one who they once would have given their life for is now repugnant to them.

You feel strong love for this man now, but that does not mean that you should act on that love. On the contrary, because you are a thinking and caring person, you must bury that love in some dark cemetery of your mind and never go back to visit it. Find a different object of your love and visit there instead. Is there a hospital for children near you? Go and visit sick children and share your love with them. Is there an organization in your local area that helps the poor? Donate your time to feeding and clothing the less fortunate. You have a great deal of love to give the world, but it won’t happen while you’re focusing on a love that can ruin your life and the lives of others.

Your emotions do not have to control you!

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 2Sa 13:15

Case 15

[When I was twenty years old]... I met a guy who dedicated as much time to spend with me as I wanted. After a year of being his girlfriend, I had sex for the very first time, giving up my virginity to him.

Four months later, I decided to move to another city because of a job opportunity. A year went by, and [my boyfriend] called me one day to tell me that an exam revealed that he was HIV positive. Since he had always been manipulative in our relationship, I thought he made up that lie in order to get me to go back to him. So I cut off my communication with him.

Another two years passed, and I moved back to my hometown. I fell in love [with another man], and believe that this is the man God wants me to spend my life with. But two months ago, my ex‑boyfriend raped a girl. Now he is wanted by the police, and it turns out that his HIV positive diagnosis is true. I haven’t had the test yet, and it hurts a great deal that I have thrown my life away as well as the life of the man I now love. Tell me what I can do to have peace in my heart in the midst of adversity. Help me! I feel like I can’t go on like this!


Dear Friend,

What a horrible ordeal! We are sorry that you are going through such a terrible experience.

You ask how to get peace in your heart. Go get tested! You cannot have any peace until you know whether or not you are infected. You cannot make any decisions until you know. Don’t wait another day to make an appointment to get tested as soon as possible.

We don’t know if your current boyfriend knows about this situation. If he doesn’t already know, please tell him today. Whether or not you are infected, he deserves to know. Also, he can be a support to you in whatever news you might hear regarding your test or your ex‑boyfriend’s case. If your current boyfriend leaves you because of this, then he obviously is not the man that God wants in your life.

We also don’t know if you have been sexually active with your current boyfriend. If you have, then your test results will be even more important to him. If you have AIDS, encourage him to get tested right away.

You have undoubtedly learned a valuable lesson through this experience. You believe that you have thrown your life away. But you need to know that even if you are HIV positive, your life does not have to be a waste. Many people who are HIV positive are leading productive lives and dedicating themselves to educating the public about the dangers of sexual relations outside of marriage. Millions of people just like you are having sexual relations outside of marriage without really considering the consequences. Your story can cause them to think about their own situations and possibly change their behavior. And when you help others to better their own lives, your life will have new meaning.

Many people believe that standards of sexual purity are restrictive and out of date. Your case, however, proves the reason that God gave us these standards in the Bible. His desire is that no one would have AIDS, so He gave us ways to avoid it. Those who practice sexual relations exclusively as a part of a marriage covenant have only a very slim chance of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, while those who ignore these standards put themselves at great risk with every sexual encounter.

These suggestions are only a beginning to achieving peace in your heart. Real peace will only come when you ask God to forgive your sins and clean you up from the inside out. Once you have done that, invite His Son Jesus Christ to be a part of your everyday life as not only your Savior but also your Friend. He will take whatever circumstances you are in and make the best of them. And He will give you hope for this life and for eternity.

Sincerely,

Linda and Charles

Case 14

My case began ten years ago. My father has always had a weakness for women; in other words, he’s a womanizer. My mother has always argued with him about this, but he won’t settle down. They have separated thousands of times, only to get back together. I have an older brother, a sister who is younger than I, and a brother who is the youngest of all.

My problem is with my mother. She hates me just because I look like my father, and since he’s not around much, she takes her frustration about him out on me. I used to think that it was because I wasn’t her child, because she treats all the others very well. When she begins to discipline any of them, it ends with me and not in a good way.

I used to say to myself, “Well, she loves my older brother because he is her firstborn, my sister because she is the only girl, and the youngest because he’s her baby.” It’s always been like this, and I am now twenty‑six years old. There are times when if I have a financial hardship and I can’t give her money for the month, she starts saying that of all her children, I’m the worst. But even though I’m aware of everything she says because everyone tells me, I just ignore it. Many have told me that they don’t understand how I, knowing this, can still treat her as if she were the best mother in the world. It’s just that God made me this way.


Dear Friend,

You are very wise and mature to be so young! You are able to do what the majority of people cannot do: overlook someone’s wrong behavior because you recognize the reasons behind it. You see that your mother is projecting her frustration with your father onto you. So it’s not about you at all; it’s about the two of them. You are just the one trapped in the middle.

We think that probably your mother loves you the same as your siblings; she just acts like she doesn’t. (In addition, you are a middle son, which can be difficult all by itself.) But somehow, in spite of her actions, you have grown into a loving, caring, and responsible man who is wise enough to recognize her problems.

Abraham, the patriarch, sent his son Ishmael away just because Ishmael’s step‑mother, Sarah, wanted to get rid of the boy. Ishmael had done nothing wrong, but he was a constant reminder to Sarah of wrong decisions that she herself had made. It wasn’t Ishmael’s fault at all, but she took it all out on him. It wasn’t fair!

But God was with Ishmael, and God is with you. You are His deeply‑loved child! And the fifth commandment says that He will bless you with a long and good life for honoring your mother as you do. 1

So what can you do? It sounds like you are already doing things right. We would simply add that you should not expect your mother to change. Even though she is wrong to treat you this way, her emotions are too confused for her to be able to see the situation from a completely rational point of view. And the more you expect from her, the more you will be disappointed and hurt when you don’t get it. So start expecting her to treat you badly, and then when she does, at least you will have the satisfaction of having been right! A good principle to follow about this, as well as other situations is: The higher the level of expectation, the lower the level of satisfaction. As you lower your expectations, your satisfaction will go higher.

We assume that you have talked and argued with your mother many times about this subject. Rather than argue anymore, we would suggest that you write her letters expressing how you feel. Start every sentence with “I feel.” An example might be, “I feel very rejected when you tell me I am a bad son. I feel hurt when my siblings are hugged by you and I am not. I feel frustrated when I give you monthly money but you don’t seem to appreciate it.” In a letter you will be able to say everything you want to, without her interrupting or changing the subject. She needs to know how you feel, even though we do not expect her to change her behavior because of a letter. Instead, she will very likely make excuses and say that you shouldn’t feel the way you do.

Keep acting in wisdom!

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 Exo 20:12

Case 13

I have a ten‑year‑old daughter with cerebral palsy. Four years ago I was diagnosed with severe coxarthrosis, thus needing an operation to insert a prosthesis that would be very costly for me. Since I have felt my health deteriorating with each passing day, I have thought many times about taking my life along with the life of my daughter, whom I love very much. I just know that without me [her mother] she would suffer much more than she does now. My life is full of ups and downs. I never have enough money, but in spite of it all I have always tried to put everything in God's hands. I think that my faith must be weak because I fall apart very easily. Perhaps that is why I think that death would be the answer.


Dear friend,

Your case touches our hearts and makes us wish that we lived next door to you so that we could try and offer some emotional support for your trials. No wonder you have your ups and downs! The difficulties that you face are monumental! And the worst of it is that you sound like you are all alone. The feeling of being alone and having to bear the weight of such trials by yourself is the most serious of all your problems.

The first and most important thing we have to say is that you urgently need to tell your doctor about your thoughts of suicide. Your medications probably have the side effect of making you clinically depressed, which leaves you feeling hopeless. Your doctor needs to know this immediately so that he can regulate the chemicals in your body. Thoughts of suicide are never rational and never come from clear thinking.

Secondly, you need to share your feelings with someone, whether that be a social worker at the hospital, a relative, or a friend. This is too much for you to carry alone. Be brave enough to ask someone for help.

We, too, have a son with cerebral palsy. He is a gift to everyone who knows him, and we are sure that your daughter is the same. Please get medical help for your depression, so that your daughter will have the opportunity to live a full life with a mother who loves her dearly. Don't deprive her of the chance she has to make the world a better place.

You say that you have always tried to put all your problems in God's hands. We definitely believe that He wants to help you. However, you need to find a church where you can develop a close relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ. Asking Him for help is only half of the communication process. The other half is when He speaks back to you and helps you know how to proceed with your life. And the only way to hear God's voice is to have a close and personal relationship with Him. You will be able to learn how to do that if you go to a church where there are many people who also have close relationships with Him. They can help you learn how, and the love of God in their hearts will also lead them to give you the emotional support that you so desperately need.

Please make plans today to carry out these recommendations. And remember that God really does love you very much and is waiting to establish two‑way communication with you so that He can help you handle every problem that you have.

May you feel the loving arms of God wrap around you and lift you up,

Charles and Linda

Case 12

I am a twenty‑three‑year‑old young woman with a three‑year‑old son. His father and I are no longer together. He doesn’t help support his son, and that has made me have a bad attitude. I have slept with four different men in less than a year. I am desperate and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go on like this. What should I do?


Dear friend,

Congratulations for having evaluated your current pattern of behavior and having decided that you do not want to continue in the same way that you have been going. This is the first step to making your life happier and to providing a better life for your son. Many people continue to engage in the same destructive activities without ever thinking through the consequences, whereas you have realized some of the negative consequences and have decided to change the way you act. But in order to do that, you will also need to change the way you think.

In your presentation of your case to us, you blame your son’s father for not supporting him and for causing you to sleep around. We agree that he should support your son. However, his lack of support is not a justifiable cause for you to disrespect and demean yourself by sleeping around. In fact, there is no reason in the world strong enough to make you willingly engage in promiscuous behavior. Every time you casually sleep with someone, you are saying to your subconscious mind, “My body is not worth much, so I might as well give it away with no strings attached. And since my body is not worth much, I must not be worth much as a person. In fact, I’m not worthy of someone who will treasure me, so I’ll just be with anyone who comes along.” With this message going into your mind, it is no wonder that you feel hopeless and desperate.

It will be difficult to stop this behavior unless you have recognized and accepted the real reasons you do it. It sounds like one of the reasons is your anger at your son’s father. You are angry for the way he treated you and for the fact that he does not support your son. And you are trying to punish him and make him less of a factor in your life. Also it is likely that there is a part of you that feels rejected by him, even if you rejected him at the same time. This sense of rejection may be leading you to seek acceptance by other males. There may be other reasons in addition to these, but it is difficult to know those reasons from the little that you have shared with us.

Your little son needs his father in his life. If your country does not enforce child support, then you may not have a way to make your son’s father be financially responsible. But if you hinder his relationship with his son, it will make him less likely to want to support his son. If, on the other hand, you encourage him to have a strong relationship with his son, he will be more likely to take responsibility for his son’s financial needs. The worst thing you can do is to use your son as a weapon against his own father so that you can get what you want, even if it is because what you want is what you think he needs. If you prevent your son from having positive contact with his father, he may grow up feeling rejected, which could cause emotional trauma.

Recognize the power that you have. You have the power to make a better life for your son by your attitudes and your actions. And you have the power to improve your own life and become a woman that your son can look up to and respect, because you respect yourself first. Even if you do not have the power to change your son’s father or to make him be responsible, you do have the power to get over the anger and resentment and put your energy into improving your job skills and life skills.

It appears that you feel very guilty for the life you have been living. You sound disgusted with yourself. There is a cure for this condition. Jesus Christ died on a cross so that He could pay the penalty for every sin you have committed and for everything you are feeling guilty for having done. If you are really sorry for your sin, all you have to do is pray and ask God to forgive you and to come into your life to help you in the future. He will not only forgive you, but will also give you a clean feeling inside, knowing that all your sins have been washed away. It sounds too easy to be true, but the truth is that the Apostle John said, “If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 When you get purified like that, it will be much easier to realize what a treasure you are, one that needs to be protected and valued.

We wish you well,

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 1Jo 1:9

Case 11

When I was seven, an evil man paid me to have sexual relations with him. At that age, I did not have a clear understanding of what I was doing. My parents didn't know anything about it. It happened a few times until one day my father found out and tried to kill the man. After that, I never had that kind of relationship with anyone.

Today I am thirty‑three years old, married, with two beautiful children; but I still cannot talk with anyone about what happened. Every time I am reminded of it, I want to turn back time; I think of myself as repugnant, and wish it had never happened. My greatest fear is that someday my children and my wife will find out about what happened to me. I take extreme caution with my children to make sure this never happens to them.

I would like for you to counsel me about this situation, for I have carried this cross a long time.


Dear Friend,

One of the reasons we chose yours as the “Case of the Week” is that we know you are not the only one who has a secret like this. Unfortunately, there are thousands of adults today who were molested when they were children. Like you, many of them have carried this secret for years, too ashamed to tell anyone.

Guilt can be a good thing when it causes us to recognize what we have done wrong and then have a chance to make up for it, and ask forgiveness if necessary. However, all guilt feelings do not come from true guilt. Sometimes guilt feelings come as a result of misinformation or irrational thinking. It is irrational to think that any child (at least to age twelve and sometimes even older) is responsible for what any adult causes him to do.

It doesn't matter that the man paid you to do it. Nor does it matter how he convinced you that it was OK. An adult tricked you and took advantage of you. You had not yet developed the mental ability to be able to figure it all out. So you are not the guilty one. The guilt feelings, the shame, and your intense need to keep this a secret all come from an inaccurate perception that you are responsible for what happened. That does not mean you are guilty.

If an adult tells a three‑year‑old child to pick up a heavy glass flower vase and carry it across the room, whose fault will it be when the child drops and breaks the vase? God's plan is for children to be born into families specifically because all children need time to grow, not just physically but also mentally, before they can be responsible for their actions. Adults are supposed to protect children from dangerous activities until those children are old enough to protect themselves. This is one reason that your father tried to kill the guy; your father felt guilty for not having been able to protect you.

The apostle Paul showed us in the first century that he understood the gradual intellectual development of children, when he wrote: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” 1 You, friend, reasoned like a child during this horrible episode of your life. Now that you are a man, you have put the childish ways behind you. It is time to also put behind you these irrational guilt feelings that have tormented you far too long.

Your greatest fear is that someone would find out your secret. Yet we believe that this secret has power over you specifically because you are guarding it so fiercely. Once you accept that you did nothing wrong, we suggest that you tell your wife what happened to you. She can help you remind yourself that this was not your fault. And once you share your secret, it will lose the power it has over you.

Sincerely,

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 1Co 13:11

Case 10

I am a civil engineer, married for the past fifteen years, with one beautiful daughter.... Although we have always been happily married, I feel that my unemployment is putting that in jeopardy. Every time I don't have work, a crisis looms because my wife changes completely and becomes authoritarian. The one who pays the consequences is my daughter, as her mother becomes aggressive and takes out all that negative energy on us.

I am not a womanizer or a drunk, nor do I have any bad habits; but I do I have a temper, and I keep having conflicts with her. I would be grateful if you gave me a ray of hope...


Dear Friend,

We are sorry to hear about the difficulty you have been having with finding a job. Being out of work puts the entire family under extreme stress. You say that your wife “changes completely,” which leads us to believe that normally she is good‑natured with you and your daughter. The stress is taking its toll on her emotions and causing her to behave in ways that she normally would not.

We have good news for you! Your wife is still the same on the inside. She is still the woman you fell in love with. She just has to learn to control her actions and emotions. It is not easy, but with your help she can do it.

Find a calm time to have a talk with your wife when your daughter is not around. Sit down, take her hand, and tell her how much you love her. Tell her that you understand that the stress is affecting the entire family, and you want to work on it together. Ask her how she thinks the stress has changed you. Listen while she speaks, and don't interrupt. Ask her how she thinks you can handle the stress in a more productive way. Listen to her suggestions and give them serious consideration. Then ask her to listen while you explain how her actions have affected you and your daughter.

Don't spend any time describing what she does, just how it makes you feel. Tell her that you are going to do your best to control your temper and avoid conflict with her, so you will not stay in the room with her when she attacks you verbally. Instead, you will ask your daughter to come and spend some time with you, as a way of giving you an excuse to calmly leave the room with her. If it is possible, you will take your daughter for a walk or outside to play without saying anything derogatory to her about her mother. As you leave the room, you will not respond to your wife's attacks. You will just walk away without a word. After she has calmed down, you will return with your daughter and act like nothing has happened.

If you follow through with this plan consistently, your wife will soon learn that she cannot get what she wants by acting in an aggressive manner. Furthermore, she will be able to identify how and when she is responding in an inappropriate manner so that she can then change her behavior. Your daughter, on the other hand, will learn that heated arguments are not the way to settle disagreements. And there will be more peace in your home. In the final analysis, the ray of hope we are offering you is totally dependent on you.

You have not told us specifically, but it sounds like both you and your wife have trouble controlling the words that come out of your mouths. The apostle James has wise counsel for us concerning words that are spoken as a result of anger or aggression. He blames the small body part that we call the tongue for leading people into disaster: “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” 1

Will you let your tongue set the course of your life on fire? Or will you set an example for your wife and your daughter by controlling your words and avoiding the total destruction that fire can bring?

We wish you peace in your home,

Linda and Charles
____________________
1 Jam 3:6

Case 9

A few days ago, while doing my housework, I had the television on and heard your message that day. I ran to get a pencil and paper to write down how I could get more information about you. I thought you might be able to give me an answer to something that gets me down and pains my heart because of not having that answer.

Tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of the day my father died in a traffic accident. When I arrived at the scene, my father was lying lifeless in the street. I didn't have time to say goodbye, and this has caused me unbearable grief. The night before, I had spoken with him on the phone. He was at a family gathering that I was unable to attend. His last words to me were, “Everything turned out well. All that was missing was you. I love you.” At that moment there were people around me and I was embarrassed to say, “I love you, too.” Even though I had often told him in person, I can't forgive myself for not having told him so that night, for the next time I saw my father he was cold as stone and couldn't hear a word I said.

Today, after four years, that pain in my heart keeps pressing on my chest, for I only wish I could have arrived in time to ask him to forgive me for not having answered his “I love you” with “Me too,” and to repeat to him, as I had other times, “I love you too, Daddy!


Dear Friend,

You don't tell us whether or not you are a parent yourself yet. The experience of having children teaches you many things. One of the things you learn very early is that a toddler will withhold hugs and kisses for no apparent reason. A five‑year‑old child will throw tantrums and try to get away from a parent who is making him do something he doesn't want to do. A nine‑year‑old may scream, “I hate you!” when the parent punishes him. And teenagers? They go through stages in which they say things that hurt their parents' feelings on a daily basis.

A parent has about twenty years to live and learn alongside the child. The parent forgives without being asked because he loves. The relationship between parent and child cannot be condensed down to any one moment or one conversation. The bond that has grown over many years does not get damaged just because of one, two, or three times when the conversation didn't end with mutual affirmations of affection.

In that last conversation, your father probably realized that there were people around you. He knew that you loved him with all your heart regardless of the actual words you said. We promise you that he did not give it a second thought when he hung up the phone. His thoughts were more along the lines of wanting you to know that he was thinking of you even though you couldn't be with him.

How wonderful that he freely expressed his love to you and that you freely told him that you loved him many times! There are so many daughters who have never heard their father say those words. Your father would want you to spend your energy and thoughts on remembering all the good times you shared, not on reliving repeatedly an insignificant moment in time. By concentrating solely on that one instant, you are disregarding all that your father did in his life to create a loving relationship with you.

Our Heavenly Father is the greatest example we have of parental love. He loved us even before we were born. He loved us knowing that we would hurt and reject Him. And He loves us today even when we don't make any effort to spend time with Him or talk to him through prayer. He loves us anyway, as did the man that you were blessed to call your father.

Sincerely,

Linda and Charles

Case 8

I suspect that my husband is having an affair with our housekeeper. I am not sure if they have already had sex, but I have a feeling that it is about to happen. I think it’s best to fire her, but the anguish of not knowing if anything has happened is killing me.

I am desperate and don’t know what to do. I’ve had a very hard time sleeping and eating because of the desperation and anguish I feel from not knowing what’s going on. If something did happen between them, my husband is not going to tell me, and I don’t think she will either.


Dear friend,

I am saddened to know that you are going through such agony. Not being able to sleep or eat is leaving you in a weakened condition that will only make things worse. Please make it a priority today to find some food that appeals to you, and take the time to eat it. Also make plans for spending quiet time tonight before going to bed to try and wind down from the day. Many people find that reading can make them sleepy at night. Avoid having a controversial discussion with your husband close to the time for sleep. This will just keep you awake.

If your husband is having an affair, you will need to be strong to deal with the situation. You will need to be able to think clearly and make some decisions. But the state you are in now is not going to make that possible. You are over-anxious and wound up tight. When you feel this way, stop and take some deep breaths. Concentrate on breathing in and out as slowly as you can. Force yourself to think positive thoughts. What are the good things that have happened in your life or in your family? Make a list of the good things and then think about those things while you are taking slow deliberate breaths.

By now you are probably thinking, “But what about my husband? What about my problem? All you are talking about is me!” Yes, I am concentrating on you first because you cannot do anything productive about your problem until you get yourself under control. You have let possibilities highjack your mind and your body. These possibilities may not even be true, but you are out of control anyway.

Without knowing you personally, it is difficult to assess your situation. But let’s start by asking you a few questions. Is this the first time you have suspected your husband of infidelity? What proof do you have that something is going on? Are there other things that you distrust about your husband? Have you caught him in lies before? If you have had suspicions of other women in the past, what proof did you have then?

Because you are so upset, you gave no reasons why you believe something is going on with your husband and the housekeeper. Instead you admitted that you didn’t know if their relationship was sexual. You said you just “had a feeling.” If all you have is suspicion and no proof that you can point to, yet you are so extremely upset, I would have to guess that you have an overactive imagination, are highly emotional, and have a tendency to be jealous for no reason.

Some women think jealousy is a good thing. They believe that it shows how strong they are. However, just the opposite is true. What jealousy really shows is insecurity, a lack of confidence, and a lack of self-control. Other women say, “I can’t help it.” But this is also untrue. You can decide to get control over your overactive imagination and place your trust in people that you love. It is a matter of self-control.

However, if your husband has a proven history of cheating on you, then you have reason to be on guard with other women. In that case, I wouldn’t have a housekeeper unless she were a much older woman. I would also evaluate the safety of continuing to have marital relations with a man who might have a venereal disease.

The root of your problem is that you don’t trust your husband and you obviously are not his best friend. This is not how God designed marriage. When He established in the beginning that husband and wife are to become “one flesh,” 1 He meant that they are so emotionally close to each other that they can have complete trust in one another. They begin to know exactly how the other thinks and feels. There is absolutely nothing between them because they are joined instead of separate. This is divine design, and it is the ultimate in relationships on this earth.

When a husband and wife have both put their faith and belief in Jesus Christ, it gets even better. Because they base their beliefs upon the Bible, there is much less room for disagreement. Because God is by their side to help them, it is more difficult to pull them apart. They trust in God and in each other.

The apostle Paul counsels us, “if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” 2 This is the prescription for unfounded jealousy. You must replace the negative destructive thoughts with positive ones. It will be extremely difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you practice it. God will also help with this if you ask Him.

Sincerely,

Charles’ wife, Linda
____________________
1 Gen 2:24
2 Phil 4:8

Case 7

Part 1: “I am addicted to pornography on the Internet. I would like for you to give me some advice so that all this that is disturbing my mind will leave me in peace. I would also like to know a little about God.”

Part 2: “I am a young medical student. Since I was very young I have had problems with pornography. Some nights I have wet dreams. I can’t stand it any more. I need help. I don’t know what to do.”

Part 3: “From my teenage years until now I have continued to battle lust, pornography and different sexual fantasies. Each time I am alone, the temptation overtakes me in various forms and I can’t resist. I need urgent help. I can’t take this situation any longer. SOS.”


Dear Friend,

You are not alone! In just a few weeks we have received many cases from men who have this same problem.

Let’s start with an illustration that at first may not seem to make sense. Imagine that you are out in a rural area where there are no roads. Each day you must travel several miles to arrive at your destination. But there are no roads, so you must create a new path on which to travel. As you move forward, you push aside the bushes and plants in your way. The going is slow, but you finally arrive.

On the way back, you try to find the same path. It’s a bit easier to go where you’ve already cleared the way. The next day you must travel again, so you go along you follow the same path. As the days pass, the path gets easier to travel and you arrive more quickly. You have successfully carved out a comfortable route that will last for a very long time.

As you expose yourself to pornography, you create a similar path in your brain. As you follow the path repeatedly, pornography becomes a habit and the brain pathway is strengthened. Even after you come to the realization that the pornography that is constantly invading your thoughts has the power to destroy your life, you keep going back to it anyway because the brain pathway is still there and is very easy to go back to. That pathway attracts you like a magnet, even when you don’t want to go. The only way to stop is to build a tall stone wall across the entrance.

How can you build that wall? Here are just a few stones to get you started building:

  1. Put the computer in a public room of the house. Make sure the screen can beseen by anyone in the room.
  2. If this is not possible and you have the computer in your bedroom or a homeoffice, put it so that the screen can be seen by anyone passing by theroom. Always leave the door open when you are working on the computer.
  3. If you have pornographic magazines, get rid of them and never again go to theplaces where you have bought them in the past.
  4. Keep a calendar. Every day that you avoid any pornography, sign your name tothe calendar in witness that you have avoided pornography. This is agraphic record to remind you of how many days you have stayed off thatdestructive path.
  5. Find an accountability partner. If you are married and your wife knows of yourproblem, she can be the one. Tell her you want her to ask you every dayabout whether or not you have gone down that path. But don’t get angrywhen she asks! If you are not married, find a trusted friend and confessyour problem. Ask that friend to check up on you and ask you how you’redoing on a regular basis.
  6. Since pornography can take up a lot of your time, find something else to doduring that time. This will develop another brain pathway for whateveractivity you choose to take the place of the pornography.
  7. Write out what you would say to the following people if they were to discoveryour addiction to pornography: your parents, your wife or girlfriend, yoursiblings, your friends, your coworkers. For each one, imagine how youwould explain yourself and how you would feel. Think about how they mightlook at you or treat you differently in the future.
  8. Read a women’s novel or magazine that has high moral values.Write down examples that show that women are thinking, feeling, caring,and loving human beings (for example, a woman who is doctor showsintelligence, ambition, persistence, self-sacrifice, and concern forothers). Remember that every time you look at pornography you are turningthose women into worthless objects. You are taking away their feelings,their intellect, and their infinite capacity for love just so that you canconcentrate on their bodies.

Although having a wet dream can be a natural human release designed by God, your constant thoughts about sex are very likely causing vivid dreams which make this happen more often. As you stop traveling the pornography path, your brain will gradually strengthen other pathways you have developed, and this will lessen.

Right now you are experiencing a great amount of guilt because you have not been able to stop this habit. Guilt is a good thing when it lets us know that we are hurting ourselves by our own behavior. However, there is no way for us to get rid of our own guilt.

To get rid of guilt, you must be forgiven. To be forgiven, you must turn to God. He can forgive you right now of every single time you have been weak. He can forgive you for every time you said you would stop but then you didn’t. He can forgive you for hurting yourself and your present or future wife. All you have to do is ask Him, and he will do it. Ask Him to come into your life and to help you build a wall one stone at a time, as we have described.

God will not take away the pathway you have created. You have caused a change in your brain that is the natural consequence of pornography. God rarely takes away natural consequences because those consequences teach us the lessons we need to know. You must take active steps to build the wall so that the pathway will remain unused and will finally diminish in length and width.

Don’t give up! You can do it!

Charles and Linda

Case 6

Life is not easy for anyone, and I am no exception. I had to overcome many obstacles to reach my goal, which was to become a professional.

When I was twenty years old, I had a son with the wrong woman (I was not in love with her). Because of pressure from some of my friends, I had sexual relations with her, but only once.

My dilemma is that to this day I do not have a good relationship with my son as I would like to have. His mother gets in the middle and we always end up arguing. As a result, I prefer not to visit him and am not close to him. I am now married to the woman of my dreams, and together we have a son that is my reason for being. This is not how I feel about my first son, and I don’t know what to do about it.


Dear Friend,

Thank you for having the confidence to share your case with us. We are thankful that you have taken the time to write about your problem because it proves that your conscience is not clear regarding your first son. Deep in your heart you know that you cannot continue to handle this situation in the same way that you have until now.

Let’s think about this from the perspective of your first son. We’re going to call him Juan, though we have no idea what his real name is. Juan is a ten-year old child who is growing up with a constant insecurity inside of him. He asks himself every day, “Does my father love me? What did I do to make my father not want to be a part of my life? I must be bad, or my father would love me. He loves his other son, so why not me? What is wrong with me?”

Statistics show that boys who grow up without fathers have many obstacles to overcome in life. These boys are more likely to suffer emotional problems, more likely to have difficult adjustments in life and in relationships, and are more likely to end up in jail. Is this what you want for Juan?

You say that Juan’s mother is the one who makes it difficult for you to have a good relationship with him. Of course, she is not happy with you and is taking it out on both you and her son. You chose to have an intimate relationship with her, even if it was only one time, and now you are responsible to work out the details, no matter how difficult they are. Is Juan just a negative consequence of your unwise decision, or is he a valuable human being who deserves the love and care of his father? Is he disposable to you?

We have a close relative who has a similar situation to yours. We have seen what happens. It is very difficult for the father. He is seen as the bad guy by outsiders, and he feels like he is putting in all the effort but getting no results. The mother seems to have all the power, and she is very quick to use that power to hurt the father in whatever way that she can. It is much easier for him to just give up and stay away. This stops the constant bickering and gives him more peace. But is it right? What about Juan?

In only eight more years Juan will be an adult. It will then be too late to develop a relationship with him. And you will have the rest of your life to regret that you didn’t try hard enough to do the right thing. So how can you prevent this? You can do it, but you must start today!

You say that your other son is your “reason for being.” For obvious reasons, you are partial to him. There is a case similar to this in the book of Genesis in the Bible. Isaac has two sons, Esau and Jacob. Esau is more like his father, a hunter and a “man’s man.” For this and other reasons, Esau is Isaac’s favorite. But what about Jacob? His mother feels sorry for him and as a result, helps him trick both his father and his brother. This creates a feud that lasts for many years. And no one wins, for no one gets what they want or need. The lesson we learn from this case is the importance of treating our children equally, regardless of their individual differences, qualities, or traits.

Juan and his half-brother both carry your blood in their veins. They are both equally your sons. We believe that you should make it your goal to treat them equally from this day forward. How can that be done? We can give you a few ideas to start with, but you’ll have to put them into practice. However, the most important guideline to aim toward is that you will do whatever it takes to make this right. No matter how hard, no matter how complicated, no matter how stressful, you WILL make it happen.

Find an impartial person to serve as a mediator between you and Juan’s mother. If you can afford a professional counselor, great! If not, find someone who is wise that you can trust. Set up a meeting with Juan’s mother and the mediator. Explain that you want the best for Juan and that you want to know what it will take for her to make it easier for you to spend time with Juan. Confess that you have given up too easily in the past, but that now you will do things differently. Set up a reasonable visitation schedule, and never miss your times with Juan. In between visits, talk to him on the phone, send him letters or emails, and do the hard work of building a relationship. He may mistrust your motives at first. He may be afraid to raise his hopes that you really will act differently in the future. Give him time and keep on doing your part.

With brotherly love,

Charles and Linda

Case 5

The relationship between a mother and her children should be the best that any person can ever expect to have. In spite of this, during my whole life my relationship with my mother has not even been good, and it started to deteriorate to a greater extent during my teenage years, when I was between fifteen and sixteen.

Ever since my parents were married, they have never gotten enough sleep because they have had to constantly attend to my two older sisters, who are both mentally retarded. Due to the fact that I was born with no physical or mental handicaps [disabilities?], they saddled me with a great deal of responsibility at a very early age, expecting me to be more mature and to be able to give more than any child at that age possibly could.

Right when I had my first boyfriend as a teenager, my mother became very fond of him. When I ended the relationship because I felt it was best for my emotional stability, she blamed me for everything and wouldn’t believe all that I told her about how my boyfriend had become very violent with me and had hurt me. In addition, thoughtlessly, as she was prone to do, she said hurtful things, such as that she was disappointed to have me as her daughter, and even that I was a lesbian for trusting my friend more than I trusted her. As a result, I started using drugs that led to my having to be hospitalized and needing psychological help.

Now I am married, and my husband is a gift from God. However, I can tell that my mother doesn’t love him the way she loved my last boyfriend, and she has threatened him many times and said very hurtful things to him. My husband and I have discussed it, and we believe that the best solution is for us to put some distance between us and my family. Several days have passed since we have spoken to her, and it has been peaceful keeping to ourselves, but now I can’t do it any more. My mother does not want to change...


Dear Friend,

We completely agree with you that the relationship between mother and child should be one that gives the child a positive example for forming all future relationships. Psychologists tell us that bonding with mothers in the early months of life is critical to a child's development, and that the relationship with one's mother is the most important throughout the pre-school years and beyond. Just as the womb is a protected sanctuary for the developing new life, the mother's arms should be the protected place of transition for a newly-born infant and toddler. God designed it this way, and His will is that all children have this introduction to the world.

So why don't all children get to experience this ideal? Is it because God loves some more than others? Is it because some children have more value or potential than others? Or can it be that some deserve more than others? A thousand times no!

God designed and created a perfect world. He made the first couple, and they became the first family. God could have made them like robots, each one with exactly the same strong loving arms, tender hearts, and wise heads. He could have chosen to give them no options about what they would do, who they would be, or how they would live their lives, so they would always be good, loving, tender, and wise, and would always be perfect parents. God did not want His children to love Him because they had to.

Did you hear about the Austrian father, Josef Fritzl, who kept his daughter as a prisoner in a dungeon below their house for decades? She didn't get to choose what to do, where to go, or how to live. She could only do everything exactly the way her father wanted. She had no options at all.

We would all agree that a father who tries to control an adult child's life is not a loving parent, even when there is no dungeon involved. A loving parent gives a child guidelines for how to make good choices and then lets the child decide for himself. A loving parent is proud when the grown-up child chooses right and rejects wrong.

That is what God did. He gave Adam and Eve guidelines, and then set them free to make their own choices. Almost immediately, they chose badly. They used their free choice to disregard the guidelines and exercise their own will. Was this God's fault? Did he plan it this way? Is He responsible since He let them choose? No, they were responsible for their own wrong choices.

This is the way it is today. God has given every human being the right to choose good or bad. And when they become parents, they still get to choose every day that they live. Some choose to follow God's guidelines and God's example of loving and wise parenting. Others choose to live selfish and sometimes evil lives that severely damage the development of their children. Some help build their children's self esteem through loving and genuine praise, while others choose to say cruel and hurtful things that their children, when they reach adulthood, will never be able to forget. Some use wisdom in deciding how much responsibility their children should have; others put their own interests above their children's and take unfair advantage of them.

Charles and I have very different backgrounds. His parents served God and followed Biblical guidelines throughout their entire lives, so he grew up in a loving and caring family environment. My parents, on the other hand, were alcoholics who chose to disregard Biblical guidelines about almost everything in life. As a result, I grew up in an environment with no stability or security and frequent violence. My mother couldn't get over her own background, and this set her up for a cycle of doing much the same to her own children. One time, in a drunken stupor, she once came at me with a knife, which fortunately I was able to wrestle away from her. Needless to say, I never had the kind of mother/child relationship that you also long for.

From a very young age, I determined that these difficulties would serve to make me strong and that my goal in life would be to break the cycle. I would never bring this kind of miserable life to my children. I decided that alcohol was my enemy and that I would never touch it. I also was blessed enough to ask Jesus Christ into my life as a young teenager, and He gave me the strength that I needed to make it through and to build a better life for our five children. His guidelines that I find in the Bible have served to make my life a wonderful journey. Of course, there have been problems, but as the apostle Paul says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13)

The past is over! It was horrible, but it doesn't have to ruin your present or your future. You are strong and you have made it this far. You can not only overcome the difficulties of the past; you can also make a better life for your children. You can stop the cycle of poor parenting. You can be the first to follow God's example. I would encourage you to read the Bible and find the guidelines you need to help you start a better life. Find other healthy families to spend time with.

As for your relationship with your parents now, I would encourage you to lovingly set boundaries for what contact you will have with them. It is wonderful that you and your husband agree together on a plan of action for right now. You may find that the plan needs to be altered at some time in the future. Always keep in mind that your most important priority has to always be the physical and emotional health of yourself, your husband, and your children.

May God give you the wisdom and strength you need!

Linda

Case 4

“In my case, my life has been controversial. God has given me all that I have needed, almost everything in twos: two houses, two cars, two daughters, and a loving family. Everything that anyone could want, I have had. As a child, I don’t remember hard times, in spite of the fact that I was raised by my mother alone. She worked to provide everything we needed in life.

Now I have been married more than fourteen years, and yet during that time I have been unfaithful many times. I even have another daughter with a woman who is not my wife. I have spent almost two years avoiding being unfaithful, and I have been successful, but the weight of so much sin is weighing heavily on me and making me believe that it is impossible to attain God’s forgiveness.

In addition, I have stayed in contact with the women with whom I have had extramarital relations, although no longer with any intention of sinning again.

I am looking forward to your advice, and that you will clarify if there is forgiveness for me.”


Dear Friend,

The fact that you have avoided infidelity for 2 years shows your determination to overcome temptation. We congratulate you for having been successful for such a long period of time.

We also congratulate you for seeing how destructive infidelity is. So many people have been hurt already: you, your wife, your 2 daughters, your other daughter, her mother, and the others who you’ve been involved with. You have had the strength to put a stop to the extramarital relationships, and now the question is how to clean up the mess. How can everyone begin to heal after so much hurt?

The last sentence of your case is very interesting. You say that you still have contact with women that you have had relations with. It is no accident that you included this sentence. Something deep inside of you is telling you that this continued contact is very dangerous. We believe that you must immediately do whatever is necessary to stop this contact. If that means finding another job, or moving out of the neighborhood, you should do it.

The only exception is your little daughter. She did not do anything to deserve growing up without a father. In fact, she needs a relationship with you. We would encourage you to have regular visitation with this daughter. And we would encourage your wife to accompany you every time you pick up the daughter or take her back. If your wife knows that you have no interest in the little girl’s mother, your wife will be able to better accept your other daughter. Your wife will see that the little girl doesn’t deserve to be punished for what her father did.

We assume that you have already confessed your infidelity to your wife and begged her forgiveness and that is why she is still with you. The fact that she has chosen to forgive you shows us that she is a strong enough person to do the things we are asking of her in this consejo.

What to tell your other 2 daughters? As much of the truth as they can handle at their ages, and the whole truth when they are older. They have a sister and they should be able to know and love her. Your wife will have to be a positive example to the girls of how a mother can forgive and love, even a child who is not her own. Will it be complicated? YES. But consequences of sin are almost always complicated.

How can you avoid falling into temptation again?

  1. Tell your wife when you first feel an attraction for another woman. Your wife should understand that all normal men feel attraction to the opposite sex. The attraction is not the problem. She should accept your honesty and be thankful that you feel enough confidence in her to tell your secret.
  2. Find a discreet male friend who knows how dangerous infidelity is. Tell him every time you are tempted. When you get the secret out of your head and into the air, the power it has over you will diminish.
  3. Determine that you will never be alone with another woman again. No lunches, dinners, car rides, or walks. Maybe you think she understands you. That is a convenient way to justify very dangerous behavior.
  4. Make plans to spend quality time with your wife and your daughters. They need you. Find activities that you can enjoy doing together.

You say that you believe that sometimes it is impossible to gain God’s forgiveness. This is not true! In the Bible in Matthew 18 verses 21 and 22, Peter asks Jesus how many times you must be willing to forgive. Jesus answers “seventy times seven.” If Jesus expects men to be willing to forgive that many times, how many more times must God be willing to forgive. God wants to forgive not only your infidelity, but also all the other ways that we humans sin against Him. All you have to do is ask. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

If you want the weight of so much sin to be removed completely, confess your sins to God and ask for His forgiveness. Then read the Bible for the truth about how God loves you and wants to give you a wonderful life. Learn it well, and then teach it to your 3 little daughters.

Charles and Linda

Case 3

“As a young girl, I was the victim of sexual abuse by both my father and my stepfather. As a result, I have had low self-esteem and suffered from depression, to the extent of having attempted suicide, and have had the tendency to hurt myself physically since I was a child.... I feel dirty on account of this; I hate myself, and even more so because on many occasions I have given in to the temptation of masturbation.

This behavior of mine has caused me to suffer endless nights of sobbing and loneliness.

I am almost a professional now, but I feel that the weight of my past and my present are greater than my will to put them behind me in my profession. I am seriously doing myself a lot of harm and I can’t control it.

I believe that our Creator is offended by so much filth in me.”


Dear Friend,

Our hearts break to hear the pain and suffering that you have experienced. But we know that your Heavenly Father’s heart breaks even more than ours do.

As a child, a father is supposed to protect you and cherish you. Instead, both your father and stepfather did just the opposite. They are responsible for abusing your body, your mind, and your spirit. Their actions taught you a lie: that you were expendable and disposable. Instead, the truth is that you are unique, made in the image of God and worthy to be loved, valued, and cherished.

You have had low self esteem because you have based your reality on the lie that they taught you. You have tried to hurt yourself because their lie made you feel that you deserved no better than that. All of the stories you tell yourself in your head are based on the lies that their actions made you believe.

It’s time to break the power of those lies in your life! It’s time to come out of the darkness and shame of their sin and into the light that your Heavenly Father offers. You are not the one who is dirty. You are not responsible for any of the things they did to you. Your Heavenly Father knows that you were an innocent child.

How can you stop believing the lies?

  1. Seek help.

    Your Heavenly Father is just waiting for you to ask for His help. Tell him that you don’t want to live with these thoughts any more. Ask His Son, Jesus Christ, to come into your heart and walk with you every step of the way. Ask forgiveness for whatever wrongs YOU have done, but DO NOT ask him to forgive you for what they did - that is something they must do for themselves.

    Find someone you can tell your story to. If you don’t have a friend or relative you can trust, find a support group for people who have been abused. You must have someone who will support you and remind you not to believe the lies. Your secret needs to come out in a safe environment. While it remains prisoner in your head, it will only torment you.
  2. The lies in your head are your enemy. You must develop a defense to use to defeat those lies. We recommend that you respond to the lies by repeating this verse from the Bible, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.” Psalm 139:14. This is the truth. Fight the lies with the truth. In the beginning, you may have to do this hundreds of times each day. In the beginning, they may be just words that you don’t fully mean. But as you repeat them and meditate on them, gradually the lies will be replaced with the truth.
  3. Tell your doctor if you continue to have the temptation to hurt yourself. Temptation is not wrong. But what we do about it can be wrong. It is possible that the lies have been with you so long that they have caused slight chemical changes in your body. A medical doctor can help regulate any chemicals that are not in balance so that you no longer suffer from this temptation.

You are valuable, worthy, and deeply loved by God.

Charles and Linda

Case 2

One day at the university, someone invited me out for a drink, which led to my downfall. The cursed habit of alcohol caused me to fail my entire family. Now I am a professional and I work in the industrial sector, but I can’t stop drinking. It’s incredible how hard it is to quit.

A week ago I fell off the wagon, and there is something inside of me that is eating me up. I repent of what I have done, but unfortunately I go back and do it again.

Thank you for your messages. I have listened to them since I was a child.


Dear Friend,

Did you know that you practically quoted the Apostle Paul? He said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” 1 Even two thousand years ago human nature was the same. People of every culture have had to struggle with vices, addictions, bad habits and what can be called their “sinful nature.” You are not alone!

Both of my parents and my stepfather were alcoholics. Because of this, they failed me as parents as you say you have failed your family. As a child, I could never understand why my parents loved the bottle more than they seemed to love me.

Holidays could be particularly difficult. Since my parents didn’t have to work, they would start drinking early in the morning. By late afternoon they were drunk, which usually led to screaming and arguments. My stepfather had the tendency to throw things when he was drinking. One Christmas, he threw the decorated Christmas tree into the front yard. You can imagine what the neighbors thought of us!

My father died of cirrhosis of the liver, which comes from drinking large quantities of alcohol. There are thousands like him today who have been eaten up by alcoholism, their lives in shambles around them. They never intended to become alcoholics, as you didn’t.

Find an Alcoholics Anonymous group today! There you will find support to be able to quit for good. Do whatever it takes to attend those meetings. If your response is, “I don’t have time,” or “The meetings are too far,” or “I’m not like those people,” then resign yourself to children who can’t respect you and a life that will end badly. Millions of people have quit drinking, and you can too. But it will not be easy. How badly do you want it?

As for the sinful nature, it will always be with you. But the sin itself does not have to remain on your conscience. Jesus Christ wants to forgive you today for every time you’ve ever failed. He wants to give you a fresh start along with hope for a better future. Ask Him to forgive you of your sins and to live in your heart. Perhaps being free of the guilt will help give you strength for the difficult task you have ahead of you.

Sincerely,

Linda, Charles’ wife
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1 Rom 7:15

Case 1

About ten years ago, I made the dreadful decision to abort my little child, who was conceived as a result of me giving up my virginity to a married man. When he found out that I was pregnant, he asked me to abort the child. It really hurt me for him to say that. I didn’t want to do it, but after a few days I asked him to go with me to do it. And that’s how I killed my own child.

Time passed, I married, had a son, and then my husband and I separated. We reconciled after a while, had marital relations from time to time, and I became pregnant. This time I said we should abort the child, and so we did.

Oh, God, how it hurts to remember it! And to know that I am the murderer of my own children. I would have rather that it never happened, that I would never have done it. All I can do is ask God to forgive me. To forgive me! I don’t know if He can do it, if he can forgive a woman who deliberately killed her own children in the womb.

I haven’t told this to anyone. It’s the first time I’ve even written about it.

Now I have two children. I love them a lot, and I plead with God that they would never go through what I have gone through, for this guilt torments me every day. At times, especially when I am affectionate with my children, I think about the children that I aborted and what they would be like.

My God, forgive me!


Dear friend,

Thousands of women understand your pain. They, too, suffer every day of their lives. They wish they had the opportunity to go back and do it all over again. They long to hold in their arms the children that are lost to them forever.

The most important thing that we can tell you is that God will forgive you. No matter what you have done, He is ready and waiting to wash it all away. But you must ask, truly believing that Jesus Christ came to this earth to take the punishment for your sin. In other words, the reason God our Heavenly Father can forgive you is that His Son Jesus has already taken the punishment. When He died on the cross two thousand years ago, He died for your sins and for ours. So now when you ask God to forgive you, in Jesus’ name, it is as if God takes your sin and writes Jesus’ name beside it, and then marks it, “Paid in full” and “Forgiven.” 1

Right where you are, in your own words, tell God that you are sorry and ask Him to forgive you in Jesus’ name. Tell Him that you accept that Jesus died so you could be forgiven. Then thank God for being willing to sacrifice His only Son to make this all possible.

After you have finished praying, the weight of sin and the guilt that you feel will be lifted off of you, and you will feel clean and free. Write to us and let us know how good it feels! We will be excited with you!

Sincerely,

Linda and Charles
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1 Col 2:14
 
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